Reflections From an Old(er) Guy
Five things I wish my older self could have shared with my younger self.
1. Transformation
One of the most enlightening things that I have learned over the years, is that deep, genuine, transformative change almost never happens without some type of crisis or suffering. There is so much truth in the statement from Rohr when he states,
"Suffering of some sort seems to be the only thing strong enough to destabilize our arrogance and ignorance."
I didn’t understand the wisdom of that statement when I was younger. Pain and suffering teach a most counterintuitive thing—that we must go down before we even know what up is. Suffering teaches us a lesson that goes against our natural inclinations. It forces us to "die" or humble ourselves before we can rise to a greater understanding, of ourselves and God. When we suffer, we are rendered vulnerable. This vulnerability can pierce through our defenses and make us more receptive to transformation.
I wish there was a way to get others to make deep changes without experiencing suffering, but I am not sure it can happen without a powerful, external force to drive necessary change.
2. Self-awareness
I can't stress this enough. Do whatever it takes to go on a journey of self-discovery. Do the hard work to discover how you are wired.
What are my good and not-so-good tendencies?
Where do I "go" when experiencing stress?
When do I feel most alive and connected?
How does my family of origin influence the way I see myself and others?
Where are the points of transformation that need to take place in my thoughts and behaviors?
I realize not everyone is a fan of the Enneagram, but when it comes to this topic of self-awareness, it has revolutionized my life. It is a profoundly helpful tool because it provides a detailed and nuanced understanding of your inner world. By revealing core motivations, highlighting strengths and weaknesses, offering a framework for growth, improving relationships, and facilitating spiritual and psychological integration, it helps you lead a more aware, compassionate, and intentional life.
Self-awareness is crucial, not only for a thriving private life but it also allows us to recognize our wounds and avoid projecting them onto others. Aristotle said, "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom, and it is the key to understanding how you relate to others.”
Find the right tool for you and go on a journey of self-discovery. The blindness that emerges from a lack of knowing ourselves can be devastating.
3. Vulnerability
Once you have a better understanding of yourself, you must be willing to be vulnerable with others, especially with those closest to you. It was important for me to learn that being vulnerable wasn’t simply about sharing your thoughts but sharing your feelings. As an Enneagram 5 and an INTJ, I have always sucked at this. Do the work of being vulnerable with those important to you. You cannot let the fear of perceived weakness, judgment, or rejection, keep you from sharing what is going on inside. No relationship will thrive without vulnerability. Let me say that again. No relationship will thrive without vulnerability.
There is a crucial topic that is related to both self-awareness and vulnerability that must be addressed. That is the issue of ego. Some differentiate between our "false self” and “shadow self.” Simply put, the false self is a construct—a persona we build up over time in response to cultural, familial, or societal expectations. The false self is the part of us that seeks approval and recognition. We are tempted to curate our lives, presenting a version of ourselves that we think will be more acceptable to those around us. But this self is not who we really are; it is a facade.
The shadow self speaks to the hidden parts of us—those aspects of our personality and past that we try to suppress or deny. The shadow often includes our shame, our hidden desires, and the things we hope others never discover. The shadow self is the part we hide out of fear of rejection. It’s the messy part of our humanity we’d rather ignore.
In the process of self-discovery and creating space for vulnerability, we must recognize how insidious our ego can be in influencing our decisions and behaviors. We must do deep work to recognize and understand why we do what we do. We need to ask hard questions.
What is really behind the choices I make?
Why do I say the things I say?
What motivates the "face" I put on for others, in person and online?
Do I present a version of myself to project an image to gain approval or avoid rejection?
Do I keep certain things hidden because I fear they would make me unlovable or unworthy?
In the book Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging, author Brennan Manning writes, "Living out of the false self creates a compulsive desire to present a perfect image to the public so that everybody will admire us and nobody will know us." This is hard and painful work, but worth every single minute. Life is meant to be lived out of our true selves. Our identity is not found in what others may or may not think of us. As you do the work of self-awareness and vulnerability, you cannot bypass the power of the ego.
4. Intimacy
I wish I would have understood the intricacies and comprehensive nature of real intimacy. I have found it incredibly helpful to recognize the 7 categories of intimacy below. I would encourage you to sit down with your partner and discuss where you are strong and where as a couple you need to give more attention.
Intellectual Intimacy: What we think about and how we cognitively process that information, what we like to think/talk about. What topics are important to me/you?
Emotional Intimacy: Not simply our thoughts, but what are we feeling?
Spiritual Intimacy: Our relationship with God. What is God showing and teaching us through life, experiences, reading, and our time in Scripture and prayer?
Recreational Intimacy: How we have fun together, things we like to do, and places we like to go. What is important to do together?
Vocational Intimacy: How we engage and process our professional lives, whether this entails a career as a parent or as a corporate professional, what is happening at work? What do you like or dislike about your work? Might you want to make a change?
Physical Intimacy (excluding sex): Physical touching; for example, holding hands, hugs, massages, foot rubs, touch.
Sexual Intimacy: How often do we desire sex? What do you like and dislike?
5. Personal “Sacred” Values
I wish I had reflected on and been able to clearly articulate my values. While I have had people around me for years talk about developing their values, I thought I didn't need to do such an exercise. I was wrong. Core values are the fundamental beliefs we have about our lives that can become a compass that guides everything we do. They can help ground our decision-making and root our actions for a purpose greater than ourselves. In short, they can give our lives direction—which is why having a very clear understanding of what your values are is so important.
After developing 5 personal values, I intentionally re-visit them to ensure I am indeed living out of what I believe and desire. Just as an example, my values for my remaining days include:
Personal Wellness (Maintain healthy rhythms of weight training, cardio, nutrition & rest)
Relational Attunement (Reflection/contemplation to experience deeper resonance with myself, my wife, and God)
Lifelong Learner (Read, listen, and learn from others)
Local Rootedness (Explore and invest in our local neighborhood and city)
Vocational Encouragement (Encourage kingdom-minded leaders who are operating "outside the box." Do so in-person, virtually, and through writing and resource creation)
Relating to these personal values, I would implore younger people to find someone who is 20, 30, or 40 years older than you and spend time with them. And listen. I want to sit and listen well to those who have been through some “stuff.” I find my favorite podcasts recently are those that are interviewing real elders. Older individuals have lived through decades of life experiences. Their stories and reflections offer rich insights into the complexities of life, providing valuable lessons that can guide us through our journeys. They bring a long-term perspective that can help us see beyond the immediate and the urgent, understanding the broader context and the subtle nuances of situations. Do everyone a favor and find that person.
Finally, I will conclude with a quote from the book Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Second Halves of Life.
"Living in the second half of life, I no longer have to prove that I or my group is the best, that my ethnicity is superior.... or that my role and place in society deserve superior treatment. I am not preoccupied with collecting more goods and services; quite simply, my desire and effort—every day—is to pay back, to give back to the world a bit of what I have received."
Don’t wait to make a change. Don’t wait for a big birthday or a crisis to provide the motivation you need to change. Decide today, to do whatever it takes.
